Shortly after returning from Hawaii, we threw a SuperHero birthday party for our now 5 year old! And while it was all that we wanted it to be (We got to hug actual people, had almost perfect weather, and Auggie had a blast.), there’s a piece of me that’s also simultaneously heartbroken.
It seems that between a pandemic and a trip to Hawaii, I hardly noticed the subtle changes in him. The way his cheeks have slimmed, his arms and legs now lanky, and the last the baby chub now gone. No more stubby fingers, or wrist rolls. No more sentences I can hardly make out. No more hugs that aren’t out of obligation or fear.
What’s replaced these things I used to love, I feel unprepared for.
Suddenly, he’s “bored” in a room full of toys. He wants to play with “friends.” He watches shows and wants toys that I know little about other than that the shows would never keep a toddler’s attention and the small pieces in the toys pose a threat to his younger sister. He has preferences that he can communicate. Big feelings he can’t quite pinpoint. And a desire to grow up that I do not share.
And while I may disapprove, he’s growing all the while. My once little boy now makes his bed, brushes his own teeth, wipes his own bottom, changes his own clothes, and picks up his own toys. He doesn’t leave a lot of room for me to be the mom I know how to be. The days of wiping his two little knees of dirt and holding his hand as he walks are dissipating. Instead, he’s pushing me to be new things I’m unsure of: a confidant, a friend, a source of wisdom.
But even harder than that, he’s indirectly asking me to be someone who can let him go.
And maybe it’s not tomorrow or next year, or when he walks into that Pre K classroom this fall. But, I know it’s coming, and I can feel him preparing me. And while I know I’ll have to do it and that many others have done it before me, my heart shatters with every passing day.
For now, I’m reminding myself to enjoy the mundane. The fading times that he asks me to play with him, when he needs me to help him in the bathroom, when he crawls in our bed in the midnight hour, the snuggles while we watch the new TV shows. All the while, I’m also prepping myself for whatever this next phase of motherhood looks like and praying I’m good at it.
Anyways, here’s the good stuff: photos from Auggie’s 5th birthday party.
We were so very fortunate to be able to celebrate with AND HUG those we love this year. Thank you for all who were able to attend. You made a not-so-little boy very happy.
