August

365.

365 days I have held you. 365 days I have hugged you. 365 days I have gushed over you. Cried with you. Laughed at you. Sang to you. Calmed you. Nursed you as your eyes slowly beam in and out of consciousness and your eyelashes settle to touch your checks. Placed my hand on your chest just to feel you breathe in and out. Stayed up until wee hours of the morning easing you to bed when two minutes before I didn’t think I could pry my eyes open, but now you just look so peaceful and I could watch you for eternity.

365 days I have known joy unanticipated. From your first cry, to your first smile, and your giggle. Oh my, my heart melted. To unexpected kisses and hugs. And pats on the back, as if you’re saying “Good job, Mom. You’ve got this.”

365 days I have placed you first, instinctively, willingly. Changing your third dirty diaper over using the bathroom myself. Not moving from the chair while you slept on me, meanwhile I was so nauseous with hunger I could faint. Skipping work and working every night after you’ve gone to bed so I don’t have to spend days missing you.

365 days I have lived at my wits end. Stretched outside my comfort zone. Constantly evaluating every scenario to keep from failing you. Anxiety pours in like a fountain. Always running. Researching everything. Analyzing anything. “Is the water too hot? What if you get a hold of that cord when I run to grab my computer? Should I unplug it? Is he strapped in the carseat well enough? Am I too tired to drive safely? What if I forget your paci?”

365 days I have loved you. A love so strong it’s scary, exciting, deliberating, and powerful. A new love that gives me a small glimpse into the “never failing, never ending, always and forever” love that God has for you, and a peace falls over me.

365 days I’ve cherished you. Cared for you. Treasured you. Prayed for you. Smiled more than the other 365 days x 23 without you.

365 days I would replay a billion times over if given the opportunity.

365 days I have given you my all, August Dale. And if it’s okay with you, I have no intention of ceasing. You are my greatest blessing.

Happy 1st Birthday, Sweet Boy.

I love you, with my whole heart.

Sincerely,

Your “Mama”