Proactive or Reactive

It seems common for most parents to worry about vaccinating their children. So guess how much I worry about it?

Yeah, you guessed it. More than a functional amount of anxiety.

Therefore, my son isn’t fully vaccinated. He has his two month vaccines and the HIB and Prevnar13 vaccines from his 4 month well visit.

WHY?

Because I’m terrified.

Literally, terrified.

Thinking back to when I was pregnant, I wasn’t even aware of the hype around vaccines. In fact, I couldn’t wait to get my Tdap vaccine during pregnancy, and when Auggie was born, I was so scared to leave the house until he had at least his two month vaccines. Every time someone would cough before his two month vaccinations, I would have mini panic attacks about pertussis.

I was counting down the days until I could protect him with the vaccines that I had had as a child. That my husband had had. That my grandma joyfully waited in line for as a young girl to stop the deliberating fear of polio.

And then, he got his shots.

I watched him turn bright red before crying at the top of his little newborn lungs. I nursed him. Threw him in the car, and headed home.

My father and stepmother had talked to me nonchalantly a few times about how my stepmother chose not to vaccinate her kids and implied that they wished I wouldn’t vaccinate Auggie. So after his vaccines, I kept a pretty close eye on him to pinpoint anything unusual, just in case.

He was tired and a little fussier than normal, but he didn’t run a fever. In fact, he seemed to be rocking the whole thing. I put his Owlet on his foot and let him nap for most of the day. It’s then that I realized maybe he wasn’t doing as well as I had thought.

I noticed that his heart rate was about 20 beats faster than usual and his oxygen was only getting up to 96%, not the usual 98-100% I was used to seeing from time to time.

I started researching. And reading. And studying. And googling.

What I found terrified me. I started to watch his vitals on the Owlet app all night long, while also googling. Most of what I read talked about how the DTaP vaccine was the cause of most SIDS cases, my biggest fear.

Therefore, when it came time for his 4 month shots, I opted to space them out and do the HIB and Prevnar13 vaccines first, as they were supposed to contain less aluminum.

The weeks after were an absolute hell.

(Below is an excerpt from my husbands journal that details the events if you want the whole story. Otherwise..)

To summarize, my husband and I had already agreed to stay up with Auggie around the clock, taking shifts sleeping, after he received his vaccines. I’m still certainly glad we did, as I’m not sure what would have happened had we not.

Auggie developed a little bit of a cold the day after his vaccines, (I do not know if this was a result of him recently starting daycare or if the cold was vaccine related.) and continued to regress. He was diagnosed with croup.. and then a milk allergy due to blood in his stools.. and then admitted to the hospital.

I don’t believe he had croup because he had croup at a later date and it was a much different experience. He definitely does not have a milk allergy. He loves milk and drinks or eats a diary product more than once a day. And he did not have a virus.

I truly believe what he, and we, as his parents, went through was a result of his vaccinations.

I’ve done even more research in the year since his last shots. There’s too many stories out there that are similar or ten times worse than what we experienced. We still have our baby, and he’s healthy and happy.

However, since he’s not fully vaccinated, there’s still a risk.

There’s a risk of Pertussis. Tetanus. Chicken Pox. Measles. Pneumonia. Meningitis. Encephalitis. Death.

Just to name a few.

It almost feels like playing Russian Roulette.

And, it’s utterly exhausting.

I’m torn between being proactive or reactive. An act of passivity or activity. Causing intentional harm or dealing with preventable harm.

I’m in a lose-lose situation. And my situation won’t change until someone does an actual, recent study of vaccine safety.

I won’t settle for a study placed in a vaccine insert by the company making the vaccine. I won’t settle for the “natural mother’s” personal testimony. I won’t settle for the CDC’s take on the matter or a friend’s sister-in-law’s brother who found that tetanus can be cured naturally.

I’m irritated and frankly, rather pissed, that the government, scientists, naturalist, whoever you are, are not willing to put aside money or bias or popularity to make a study worthwhile that could save the lives of children. Both vaccinated or unvaccinated, results pending.

Auggie has a (late) 18 month well visit coming up in the next two weeks, where I am again forced to consider the idea of vaccinating. As Auggie gets older and is learning to play like a boy, accidents are happening, and thoughts of tetanus cross my mind frequently.

I continue to read and google and join pro and anti vaccine Facebook groups in hopes that the answer will just come to me. Until then, I continue to pray.

Sometimes, this being a mom and making decisions stuff is for the birds.

Bryson’s Journal Excerpt

November 4 – Auggie’s 4-month shot appointment. Work – it was a good, productive day. I went home a little early to help with a fussy Auggie. His bouncer came in, very cool. We ordered Jimmy John’s, and the plan is to have him rest as much as possible and still be monitored by one of us. I love this boy.

November 5 – Woke up and tried to get things done around the house. We didn’t get out a whole lot, but we did go on a short walk. Ate some Chinese for lunch and I mowed the yard and cut some tree limbs in the afternoon. Kate slept in the evening while I took my shift.

November 6 – Went to church this morning – had to leave a little early due to Auggie being sick still. Grabbed Hi Boy on the way home. Spent the day trying to nurse him to health – not working so well. He is still happy all the time, just a snotty boy.

November 7 – Kate stayed home with Auggie today as he was snotty and sick. Thankful she has the opportunity to stay home. My final call got over early and I picked up some pizza for dinner. She was able to get to bed around 7, which was great. I took my shift and then she took hers. We feel we’re regressing in the sleep department, since he is sleeping solely in our arms this week. I pray it will get better for us all and that Auggie gets to feeling better.

November 8 – Got up early to vote – was at the polls around 5:50 and home around 7:20. Kate was going to stay home today. I took my 8 am call at home and left work at 4 pm to hopefully relieve her. I have been working in the late nights and early mornings while holding Auggie, and I know she’s been doing the same. It feels we can’t catch up on anything, especially while he is sick. I’ll keep praying for us all.

November 9 – Took him to the doctor today, and they think he has a virus that could last 2-4 weeks. I went home early to help out. Groceries were delivered and then I took my shift while Kate slept.

November 10 – I stayed home today with the boy. I got a raise today due to some legislation that was passed. We had a good day and Kate was able to come home early and get a little nap in. We grilled hot dogs and enjoyed him. I took a nap while he fed later that night that turned into me sleeping, which left Kate to take care of him for the night. What a trooper and what an awesome wife I have. I’m so thankful and blessed. She took his diapers in and they were positive for blood, so we have to spend time trying to scrape his poop into viles to be test – this doesn’t even seem that gross – PARENTHOOD!!

November 11 – Auggie’s oxygen wasn’t doing great, so we were going to take him to the ER, but they suggested to take him to the doctor. Kate is definitely overwhelmed, and I feel terrible because I feel pulled by my family and my job. I texted Jenny, she was set to come up later in the day, but changed her plans to come up now. They were going to take him to the doctor while I was at work. He just isn’t getting any better and we aren’t having much luck getting samples to take to the lab. She called me saying she was hungry, needed to poop, work, hold Auggie, and more. This is a challenge for us all, although she faces the most of it. It will all be worth it, but we always need to put our trust in the Lord. He will see us through all of this. We have been given a blessing with the gift of Auggie.

November 12 – Woke up early and Jenny came over to watch Auggie while Kate and I went to respite training. We were late – I was upset about it. After respite, we headed home – I made chili and Kate fed Aug. Cristian came over and we went to Sam’s Club and Costco to switch our membership back. We got a TON of stuff. He came up to help me put lights on the tree out front. We did that and fixed a few things around the house (gutter, siding). Cristian is super handy and I’m thankful he is my friend!! We had chili for dinner and Jenny tried to watch Aug while we slept (it was so nice to snuggle with Kate without Auggie, I love the boy, but it’s nice to get time with my wife too). Auggie wasn’t having it, so we didn’t really get any extra sleep. Jenny went back to Hannah’s to help her watch the kids at her place (Dean had them staying the night there).

November 13 – Woke up early, but didn’t go to church due to Auggie’s illness. I believe there was a great sermon over the state of our nation. We watched the Chiefs and did a ton of laundry. We went on a walk and spent the day getting caught up on things.

November 14 – Monday of CHC. I stayed home this morning while Kate went to work. It was a tough day with Auggie – he pooped on me! Headed to CHC to our team’s session. Came home and had a call at 4. Kate made some dinner and went to bed soon after that. We were still doing shifts since he is still on his steroid.

November 15 – Headed to work and then to CHC for some more of our team’s sessions. Ate lunch there and headed back to the office to head home around 4. Tried to fix the dishwasher this evening, but I didn’t have all the right stuff – it’ll have to wait.

November 16 – Got up really early to be at CHC for our keynote in the Sprint Center. Went over and checked out CHC one more time before eating lunch and heading back to WHQ. Headed home around 3 and picked up the stuff I needed to finish fixing the dishwasher. Kate made dinner and we played with Auggie. We watched This Is Us as a family and went to sleep! It was amazing to get 7 hours of sleep in one night!!

November 17 – Woke up and got things ready for the day. Kate, Aug, and I headed to work. He was going for a half day to get  used to day care again after not going for almost 2 weeks. It’s a pretty relaxed day at work since CHC is still going on. Going to try and get some things done around the house this evening and hopefully workout today! Got home and Kate was upset because Auggie seemed like he was crying at daycare and no one was attending to him. She went home and he wasn’t breathing very well and she was super anxious. We ended up having to wake him up because she thought he stopped breathing. This led us into a whirlwind of anxiety, anger, fear, and so many other things. Kate doesn’t want to lose our baby. We had pizza for dinner and Jenny came up to help out and to help calm Kate. She took a shift with him, which allowed us all to sleep a lot more! He did much better through the night. We’ll get through all of this and so will he!

November 18 – Woke up early and took a shift and got things done around the house. Headed to work for a good day – finally starting to cool off here! I was supposed to go to Tyler Parks’ bachelor party at Main Event, but Auggie ended up having some blood in his stool, which was concerning. We didn’t take him to Urgent Care, but we did watch him closely for the evening.

November 19 – Woke up and worked on some things. We were supposed to go to the Parks’ rehearsal and dinner. Kate wanted to stay home with Auggie, and when he was still sick, I ended up staying home, too. I felt bad, but I felt it was right to do for our family. We spend the evening just trying to take care of him and relax as much as we could.

November 20 – Jenny was there early to watch Auggie so we could go to the wedding (Grace and Tyler Parks’). We got everything around, and Jenny helped Kate find something to wear. We did end up leaving late, which I was pretty upset about. Kate and I had a pretty long talk in the car and she wanted me to be there to help her more and in more ways than I have been – researching and knowing how to keep him safe. We got to the wedding and I watched the Chiefs game with the groom party while Kate stayed in the car (by choice) to pump and try to relax some. I did my duties and we had a good time at the wedding. It was nice to be with all of our Avenue friends. We left after we ate to get back home to feed Auggie boy. He was a hungry boy and we were able to snuggle some before calming him to sleep!

November 21 – Thanksgiving week, short week. Had a good day and come home with pizza for Man Monday. Josh and Josiah came over. We played Catan and they had some beers and we watched football. Auggie was again not having the greatest night, but I was finally able to walk him to sleep. Did some work and watched his vitals before going to bed.

November 22 – Dropped Beau off at the groomer before getting to work for some calls. Kate took Auggie to the doctor this morning for the small blood in his stools. They suggested she go dairy free because of his possible milk allergy causing the blood. I went to Chipotle with my team and headed home around 4:30 to spend the evening at home and cleaning/picking up.

November 23 – Day off of work, slept in. Spent the day playing with Auggie, cleaning, doing laundry, and packing. It took us pretty much all day to pack our stuff up. We were on the road shortly after 4 – Auggie’s Owlet works in the car 😃 so his sleep can be monitored even there. He slept all the way to Sedalia and we had the Woolery Thanksgiving. It was good and good to catch up with everyone. We took shifts and eventually they ended up sleeping on the couch while I slept on the floor next to them in case he fell.

November 24 – Thanksgiving! Turkey trot in the morning with Trent, his girlfriend, Cristian, and Gentry. Headed back to Lincoln for my family’s lunch. It was wonderful and everyone finally got a chance to meet Aug. He’s amazing! Headed to Sedalia, took some pictures, and rested a little before the Mergen dinner. Headed over to Ma’s and had a great dinner and a fun time. We drove up the street just in time for the fireworks display with a packed car. We stuffed 6 people in the car and Auggie got to see his first firework display. Soon after, we headed back home and we made it in good time to get him to bed.

November 25/26 – Started the day by putting things away and giving Aug a bath. Kate fed him and he slept while I was putting more stuff away. Around 11, she took his temperature and he was running a fever. We soon tried to give him tylenol, but it didn’t bring it down. We quickly rushed to Saint Luke’s East ER. They got us in pretty quickly, after Kate continued bugging them. We had forgotten a nipple shield, and Auggie was tired and probably felt the anxiety from his mom. It took them 20 minutes to get us a nipple shield from their maternity ward for him to eat, so stressful. They were also not really tracking his vitals, and he wasn’t getting better. They did an xray, and thought it could be early pneumonia. Kate was worried about sepsis. They ended up transferring us to Children’s Mercy – we were happy he was going to get much better care. They put an IV in before that and it was a traumatic experience for me. Kate had left the room. Amonee Phillips came in to check on us as she worked in the SLE ER. They put him on the stretcher (cutest baby you’ll ever see on a stretcher). Kate rode with them and I drove separately. I cried on the way remembering what he looked like in the stretched and scared of the unknowns ahead. He got a room in 5 Sutherland – which we later found out was the exact place Rachael Casey worked, how cool! The doctors were in the room when we got there and told us the plan of action: get his fever down and wait on his test results. We got some food and he ate a little from Kate. Eating was a struggle with all the wires. We finally got his fever down and were able to sleep a little while Jenny was there. Kate and I spent the rest of the night taking shifts with him, and he finally slept really good from about 4 – 8 am. They kept checking his temperature and it was all good. They did have to retape the IV in the middle of the night, another traumatic experience. His IV was much better after, though. They kept caring for him and we ended up being discharged shortly after noon. We made it home around 1:30 and spent the rest of the day making sure he was okay and letting him sleep. Jenny ended up having to go back to Sedalia to help Hannah out there, Ma had been staying with her all day. We let the boy sleep and eat just as much as he wanted to help him get back to normal.

November 27 – Slept in a bit and spent the day calming Auggie (he’s been a little fussy lately, maybe his teeth). Kate and I cleaned and watched Auggie in shifts. We made tacos for dinner and she slept during the Chiefs game. He was really fussy in the evening, we gave him a tylenol to hopefully help, which it did, some. The Chiefs won and we all finally got to bed around 12:30 am. It was a better day, but he was extra fussy still. I’m hopeful we can get back to church next week.

November 28 – Woke up early and headed to work. Kate was worried about Auggie and made a doctor’s appointment. She still didn’t think he was doing better, and she almost took him in to Children’s Mercy and asked me to come home. I’m hopeful she is able to make it to the 3:15 appointment and pray that Auggie is a healthy boy still. The appointment went okay, but the doctor said she would clear space in her schedule to see Aug since he has been so sick. We’ll continue doing shifts until Kate feels comfortable not doing them. Ordered pizza for dinner.