Embracing His Timing

If you’ve been following for awhile, you’re probably wondering where I’ve been..

Statistically, I’ve been in similar shoes as 1 in 4 woman. Physically, I’ve been in bed.

It’s likely no surprise to many of you when I tell you that Auggie was a surprise to us. A great surprise. A surprise that makes us smile on the worst days and gives us purpose when we feel all else is lost. But, he was still a surprise, and we didn’t feel ready.

Since Auggie, we know how special it is to be his parents. We know how it feels bringing a new life into the world, how it feels when you hear “mama” for the first time, how toddler hugs heal the deepest wounds, and how parenthood fulfills a calling we didn’t even know we had. And, we felt we were ready to experience it times two.

I got the positive pregnancy test the second month of even considering a baby. A really faint positive. Even when I was 3 days late for my period. Bryson and I both felt a little reserved about the situation, for when we got the positive test with Auggie, the line popped up immediately. You simply couldn’t miss it. Things didn’t seem the same, but I had experienced all the symptoms (acne, bloat, etc), so we cautiously went on preparing to become a family of four.

For a week, I made lists of the items I thought we would need. I reconfigured Auggie’s room a million times in my head as I tried to picture adding a crib. I ate reasonably well, and I stopped Auggie and the dog from jumping on my stomach as they usual do.

Then it was over.

The blood came, and I sobbed. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I knew there was something.

Two days later, I called the OB. The nurse returned my call and told me that sometimes spotting in early pregnancy is normal and that she still believed I was pregnant. I was to call if the bleeding got heavier, if I had a fever, or if I was in pain.

She was right. I was still pregnant. In fact, I am still pregnant, just not with a “viable baby.”

I began to feel more uneasy about the situation, so I called the OB the next day and lied. I told them that the bleeding was heavy and I was experiencing cramps. The bleeding had picked up, but it definitely wasn’t heavy, and there were no cramps.

The nurse returned my call once more and told me it was likely I was miscarrying but to come in before the end of the day and have my HCG levels tested.

I still didn’t feel like they did enough, as I was really needing answers for my mental health. Maybe even my physical health. So, I called a different doctor.

This time a new nurse from the other doctor called me back and urged me to come first thing the next morning for an ultrasound.

It was during that ultrasound that the words “tubal pregnancy” were said.

Approximately, 1 in 80 women experience a tubal, or ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancies happen when a fertilized egg implants outside of the uterus, typically in the Fallopian tubes. The baby can then either stop developing, as the space is too small, or will continue to grow and rupture the mother’s tubes, ovary, etc. Depending on the stage of the pregnancy, size of the mass (baby), and predictability of rupturing, the mother will either be treated with “waiting and watching,” a chemotherapy medication injected into her bottom that causes the cells to absorb, or surgery to remove the mass.

According to the nurse who has the pleasure of calling me with my HCG test results every Monday, my baby is my ovary, it’s 2 cm, and it does not have a heartbeat according to the ultrasound. My HCG results have dropped from 61 to 40 within a week, and I’m being monitored with the “waiting and watching” technique. For all that, I am thankful. But, I am not any less heartbroken or fearful.

Every little ache in my body sends signals to my brain that the mass is growing, that I’m rupturing, that I’m a ticking time bomb. And worse yet, it’s a reminder that I’m still pregnant… with a nonviable baby.

We won’t know until the end of November that the mass has dissolved, and we won’t know when I’m in the clear from rupturing until my HCG levels reach less than 5, which at this rate will be into November as well. For right now, we wait.

Through it all though, I’ve come to one conclusion: It’s all in His timing.

I’m so incredibly thankful for the timing of Auggie, and I’m thankful for the timing that He will have again.

And as for you, you can expect to be hearing from me more frequently again as I find my new normal. And I promise that they won’t all be this dreadful. However, I do advocate for awareness on the matter, as well as all things motherhood. My hope is that when another expectant mother is scouring the internet in hopes of finding a similar story, mine will bring her comfort in knowing she is not alone.

Also, if you feel compelled, some positive thoughts, good vibes, prayers (whatever it is you do) would be much appreciated as we anticipate low HCG levels and clear ovaries.