Changing My SO

Happy 2019!

The start of year didn’t start out as well as I had hoped. We’ve been coping with the news of possible secondary infertility, a water heater leak and replacement, and yet another vet visit for our goodendoodle.

Needless to say, I’ve been a little out of sorts.

I didn’t quite realize how much I would grieve the news of only have half a uterus, a unicornuate uterus to be exact. Growing up, I was never really that good with kids and when people would ask if I planned to have any when I was older, I would always imply that I didn’t intend to. All the while, something deep inside said I would be unable to.

However, when I fell pregnant with Auggie so easily I started to think otherwise. At first I was completely in denial, out of fear that the pregnancy wouldn’t end well. But immediately after Auggie was born, I told Bryson I would have 6 more.

Yes, the nights are long, the days are exhausting, and the effort is endless, but it just felt right. I liked sleepy baby cuddles on the couch, and watching an infant drift off to sleep while nursing, and pureed food splatters all over the kitchen. So, when you get the news that you’ve had an intuition about all your life but have also feared, it kinda just… sucks.

Then there’s work..

Just trying to get back into the swing of work after a long break has been less than ideal. Upon returning, I’ve learned that two of the associates most impactful to my daily responsibilities are leaving my team, leaving me to carry the workload, while likely receiving no more recognition. Both are moving to bigger and better responsibilities, something I wish I could do myself at times. But, then I remember that where I’m at now allows me to prioritize my family. That’s more important to me now and in the future than any amount of money or recognition.

So when we had our end of year meeting on Friday, and my team chatted about themselves at large tables over catered Chipotle, I sat at my desk scrambling to complete a fire-drill of work in a timely manner. At first I was irritated and disappointed, but then I remembered that I’m not much for socializing anyways. Maybe it’s my lack of time or just my overall weirdness/awkwardness, but I’ve found that I lack the skills necessary to be a good friend to any one additional, and sometimes to those I’m already friends with. (SORRY I missed your baby shower, McKenzie!)

Paired with a few other items that have been on my heart lately, 2019 has felt a bit like a drag. Like somehow I’m not moving in the direction I had wanted. Or maybe not moving at all because I suddenly don’t know what direction to move in anymore.

So, when we attended Church this morning at my brother and sister-in-law’s church for his baptism, I was hit by a ton of bricks when the preacher hit the nail on the head. He said, that while he’d always been a disciplined person, even when he hit the goals he had set out for himself every year, he was always left feeling disappointed. Always wanting something more.

WHY?

Because he followed up his goals with “SO.”

Get good grades SO I can graduate college early.
Graduate college early SO I can get a good job.
Get a good job SO I can get married.
Get married SO we can buy a house.
Buy a house SO we can start a family.

Now what?

It’s frustrating to look at the list of goals I’ve had for myself. Not because I didn’t accomplish them, but because of the manner that I went about them. They were rushed to get to my SO. And now that I’m out of SOs other than retire and die, maybe have another baby if we can, I’ve found I’m a little bit lost. I don’t want to continue chasing SOs that leave me wanting more.

January 1st, I wrote down 5 resolutions for myself:

1. Spend 15 minutes in the word each day (SO I could feel less anxious).
2. Plan and make sugar free snacks for our family each week (SO I could feel better about what I feed Auggie and put aside the worry that all the sugar he eats will give him a terrible disease).
3. No cell phone usage between the hours of 5 pm to Auggie’s bedtime (So I could stop going to bed feeling guilty for not allocating my individualized attention to Auggie, and also because it irritates me when Bryson does this.)
4. Replace social media with reading before bed (SO I would stop envying the positives in everyone else’s lives while not seeing their negatives.)
5. Blog once a week and post on social media twice (SO someday, someway this blog might bring me a financial benefit).

As I read through these goals, they don’t seem much different that the goals I’ve had for myself time and time again.

While I’m sure I could accomplish these things, I’m trashing the majority of them instead, and the ones I’m not trashing, I’m changing the SO.

My SO has always focused on me and the outcomes I want to see as a result. And yet, even when the outcome comes to fruition, I’m left disappointed.

I’m changing my SO.

To become more of the person I feel I am called to be. To be a better friend. To be a better mom. To be a better Christian.

We’re only 2 weeks into 2019. There’s time to change your SO, too.