Gone Fishing

I’ve avoided this post for awhile, especially if you consider how most people are typically jumping at the bait to announce such celebratory news. I can’t pinpoint why I’ve been hesitant exactly. It may have something to do with nerves, anxious thoughts, the dreaded weight gain, the annoying bodily symptoms that I somehow forgot about, or simply that I was happy with our family of three.

After my ectopic pregnancy last October and later finding out about my uterine abnormality, I truly struggled with the idea of possibly never having anymore children.

But, after a few months of feeling removed and isolated, I somehow decided that enough was enough. In my wallowing, I was missing moments with Auggie and the rest of my family. I wasn’t living in the present. I was living for a future I thought I would have. One I thought would bring me happiness. When really, my happiness didn’t rely on anything external.

It took some coming around, but I started exercising, eating well, taking Auggie out and about, putting down my phone, trusting in His plan rather than my own.. And I felt whole. I felt healthy. I felt happy.

Then.. I took a pregnancy test this past March.

God seems to have a funny sense of humor or maybe just a way of teaching hard lessons. I wouldn’t say I’m no longer whole, or healthy, or happy. I’m simply adjusting to a new normal, one no longer anticipated.

Eating nutritious food no longer sounds appealing. Exercise is done only on the good days. Keeping up and playing with Auggie is a little more challenging. And at points in time, I feel the anxious thoughts caving in.

When we found out we were pregnant back in October, I had all these ideas for how I would announce the pregnancy before we found out it was ectopic.

I had this grand idea of writing a compelling post to Auggie explaining the joy in a sibling, in a growing family. There wasn’t going to be an ounce of anxiety or sadness or the terribleness of pregnancy mentioned.

But, this time, I feel more compelled to tell you the hard stuff. The not so fun stuff. How I longed for a baby, and now that all signs point to yes, I’m struggling to accept my new normal. I’m scared of succumbing to the anxiousness. I’m dreadful of having to split my time between two children. And, of course the more superficial pregnancy bits to despise: weight gain, fatigue, stretch marks, labor, the 4th trimester, the third armpit boob (okay, maybe that one’s just me).

It feels wrong to not be over the moon excited after previously struggling with the idea of infertility, and while I know others are still struggling. But, maybe someone somewhere can identify.

It wasn’t planned but I’m finding it appropriate that we chose to announce with Auggie fishing. I don’t know much about fishing, but what I do know is it always sounds like a lot of fun until you’re out there in the heat with a bunch of stinky worms. Two hours later, your sunburnt, fish-less, and hopeless. Then, with your last ditch cast, you catch the fish, and somehow you forget that the two hours you just spent frying yourself were miserable. All you know is the pure joy of catching a fish.

All this to say, if you offered to take this second child off my hands, I’d fight you for it. I’ll tough out the terribleness that I find pregnancy to be. I’ll deal with anxious thoughts, and the fatigue, and even the third boob if it means that Auggie gets a “friend” and we get the privilege of raising another.

If you need a more direct announcement..

We’re expecting!

Late November/Early December, we’re anticipating to become a family of four. Prayers, food, babysitters are always appreciated. 🙂