So often I hear mothers say something genuine and honest, and then follow it up with, “But I love him.” or “It’s worth it.” I catch myself doing it often. This is mom-guilt at it’s finest.
Of course you love your children, and speaking your thoughts or feelings doesn’t change that.
Regardless, here’s my disclaimer: I love my son with everything I have but, sometimes I need to be able to say what’s on my heart, and it is in no way an indication of how much I love or cherish him and my ability to be his mother.
With that being said..
Motherhood has been an isolating experience.
Pregnancy was daunting, Preeclampsia was heartbreaking, and prenatal/postpartum anxiety was thieving. Thieving of my joy, contentment, and time.
For three years I’ve lived in the shadow of who I once was. Motherhood changes you undoubtedly, but the type of change I encountered wasn’t an indication of who I was as a mother.
It was an indication of my anxiety.
I’ve spent the past year learning how to conquer that anxiety, and though I have a long way to go, I’ve made strides.
Anxiety in Pregnancy
During my pregnancy, I truly thought I was going to die. I sat in Auggie’s room in the rocking chair and would sob and pray for an opportunity to be his mom. Every thing I did resulted in thinking that it may be my last opportunity to do so. Making dinner, having a birthday, eating out. There was no escape.
I even wrote a letter to Auggie in case he would have had to come home without me.
I bargained with God to let me live and in exchange I would trust him and rid myself of my anxiety. God held up His portion of the deal, but I didn’t hold up mine. The sin of anxiety still overcomes me more than I like to admit, especially as Auggie and I hit the fourth trimester.
(To read more about my experience with anxiety during my pregnancy click here.)
Anxiety in the Fourth Trimester
Shortly after Auggie was born, I began to fixate on SIDS and Pertussis. I’m willing to bet I know more about SIDS and the potential causes than most pediatricians, which lead me to avoid those said causes at all costs. One of those causes being respiratory illnesses, such as Pertussis. We could not leave the house without someone somewhere coughing sending me reclusing into my cycle of anxiety.
Anxiety in the Years Following
A few months post partum, my anxiety was out of control. I was fixating on everything and everything. The flu, leaving Auggie with a babysitter, a lymph node near the ear, vaccines and tetanus, rashes and bruises. The list goes on.
Eventually, I decided to seek counseling. While counseling worked, claiming my anxiety helped more. Sharing my fears, writing them out, purposefully facing them head on is where I have started to find relief.
(For my journey to counseling read here.)
Anxiety in the Future?
Auggie turns two next month.
When your first child turns two, it seems to be common for everyone, including strangers, to ask you when you’re going to have another one. As if one isn’t enough.
I promise you Auggie is in indeed enough. Enough work and enough exhaustion. Enough laughs, enough joy, and enough love.
BUT… something unexplained and a bit crazed inside of me is also thinking maybe a second is right for our family.
I just have one outstanding reservation in a sea of reservations I’ve already worked through: I’m not willing to part with the pieces of me that I’ve just recently reconnected with.
I enjoy outings with my son and husband without contemplating the germs 24/7. I enjoy “date nights” away. I enjoy the thirty minute workouts I get without the guilt of taking time for myself. I enjoy going to bed without the fear of not waking up, or worse, Auggie not waking up. I enjoy seeing friends and having the mind-space to catch up.
It’s been so long since I enjoyed anything. It pains me, throat stabbing pain, to say that because it’s a harsh reality for me realize that my anxiety stole the joy that I could have had in Auggie for the past three years.
In all the mistakes I’ve made as a mother, this is the largest. Out of him falling off the bed at 4 months old to sunburning him last week, this is the one thing I would change.
Auggie deserves a mom who is happy, Bryson deserves a wife that is present, and I deserve to enjoy. So, whether we end up with a second child or not, my focus will be on maintaining my joy.
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