Anxiety, much like any other mental illness, impacts more than just the individual. It impacts day-to-day life. There are good days, and there are bad days. Those bad days can easily interfere with one’s family, friends, or work.
Suffering from anxiety is not something one can control, just as one has little control over the stomach bug. When it hits, it hits. However, understanding how anxiety impacts the whole allows us to see just how significant anxiety can be and encourages us to fight for those who suffer first and secondhand.
I’ve asked my husband to share his perspective on how anxiety impacts our family. Read on below for his two cents:
I knew when Kate asked me to write on her blog it would be hard. Hard to find time to make this the best it could be, especially in comparison to how well she writes. Hard to be as real as possible about the challenges I face as the husband of a wife who struggles with anxiety. And hard to make it seem like since I don’t have anxiety that I don’t have any issues as a person or parent. Regardless, I hope you all, even Kate, find this perspective as insightful and helpful.
I’m a different person because I met my wife, and I’d like to think she’s different because of meeting me, too. We’re a great team, but we’re really different people. For example, I’m the type of person that barely needs an alarm to get out of bed. I also really enjoy getting up early, cherishing each day as a new opportunity. The earlier the start, the more I can accomplish. Kate hates getting up early, hates alarms, and probably hates my attitude before 9 am.
Our son, like me, wakes up early. He’s crawling out of bed before his eyes are fully open yelling, “Up, up…UP!”, and when I’m not at the gym or already at work, I like to give Kate the time she needs to either catch a few extra minutes of sleep or get mentally prepared to take on the day. This is where the anxiety creeps in.
Women need, on average, about 20 more minutes of sleep than men. At least that’s what my wife tells me. She’s tired, so I’m happy to get some time with him in the morning when he and I are firing on all cylinders. But why is she so tired morning after morning? Was she up later than I was researching a certain symptom Auggie displayed that day? Was she watching his oxygen and heart rate (using our Owlet) to ensure he’s not sick or having trouble sleeping? Was she unable to shut her brain off about anxieties around her own health? Sometimes another reason, and sometimes all of the above. She maximizes her thoughts, emotions, and energy to benefit Auggie. How could I not allow her to take in the rest she deserves?
So what’s the hardest part about marrying someone who struggles with anxiety? For me, it’s EMPATHY. I’d consider myself a pretty empathetic person, doing my best to gauge how others are feeling at all times. I’m least empathetic towards anxiety, the place Kate needs it most. Anxiety is not a problem for me. Not even close. And the way she and I deal with problems is completely different because of it.
I’m a problem solver. I work in the languages of effectiveness and efficiency. What’s the point of toiling over something one has, in my opinion, little or no control over? It honestly sounds like a waste of time. Often, when I’m trying to make it better, I make it worse. Maybe by asking the wrong question, or being too abrasive. Or making the wrong suggestion like, ‘Hey, I think you should just shut off your phone and go to bed. You need your rest.’ I think I’m being supportive, but I get the response, ‘You don’t care about how Auggie was acting or feeling today?’ There’s no right way for me to answer; I’ve already done my damage.
What would I do if I felt anxious? Maybe I’m just a dumb guy…? Okay, I am a dumb guy when it comes to reading my wife. I’m not supposed to just tell her what I would do so she can do like me and make it all better? I encourage her, first, to pray because it’s what I would do. I also reference bible verses because it’s what I would do. These aren’t bad suggestions, but the timing of the suggestions is typically bad.
I’ve read many articles to try and be more helpful. And I always try my best to be encouraging and supportive, but it’s exhausting. I continuously tell myself I can always do more or keep going, but there’s a point where I start to rely on the discipline of the commitment I promised my wife in marriage instead of leading with the love of my heart. I’ll confess. At times, I act as though she is ‘slowing our family down’. I’ve never written that one down, but writing it here makes it real. What growth I have as a husband to focus on…I think it’s time for me to go pray…
Kate’s made great progress, and I’m proud of how far she’s come. She’s able to workout and take time for herself, almost daily. The counseling and blogging have been ways for her to talk to and relate to other people. I’m glad there are others she can rely on. I want to be her number one, but I also have to realize I’m not the answer to her problems. Jesus is. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. She has to find her own answers as her faith strengthens. Maybe the answer is counseling, medication, or both. It’s my duty to support her journey, and our love will continue to grow as we learn together. I’m thankful I have been blessed with a companion that challenges me and expects my best as a loving and supportive husband.
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